I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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