there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
