Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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