Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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