when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
