I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
i've created a new STD.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
