her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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