I hate your face
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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