When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
