I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
