How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
