He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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