i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
