i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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