By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I look better un-naked...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
