so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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