My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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