i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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