Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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