she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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