I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
