the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
