Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
