She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Can you bring me the toilet please
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
