Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
