Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
