just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
