The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
