Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
