I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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