best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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