sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
