I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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