Umm I'm too high to move.
no, he came in my armpit
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
