Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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