used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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