I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
