Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I cannot find my penis.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
