The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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