I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
wow bdsm is so cute
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
