today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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