fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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