i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
now i know why i became what i already was.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
