I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
