when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My vagina is officially offended.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
