Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
