Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Banned from zoo.
Again?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
