There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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