I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You have to summon your inner elephant
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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