then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
