U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
