I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
