Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
